Wednesday, June 9, 2010

GAY BODY TYPES IN CONFLICT ; GOBLINS / OGRES

This posting is not a critique of the quality of any garments, but rather their sentiments.

So that I don't seem really misanthropic let me just say... sorry? Look, I've never been taken under the wing of any Chelsea cliques and I'm not about to fall in synch with the army of twinks in the city so I'm going to mouth off about both of them. That being said, this post may be brutal, even ugly. But nothing as ugly as the shit posted below...

Gay NYC camp #1: The Goblin Folk. 18-35 year olds that neither eat or exercise (except yoga pilades and cardio), have painfully skinny arms, bellies, lower back fat, wear ray bans and preppy shoes, carry totes and talk really fast like valley girls gushing to their bff's. Topshop (pictured) has come to serve their needs. Top, yes an ironic name for these pussyitems. I jaunted through feeling particularly bulbous, rageful (not a real word) and ape like as I knew that I couldn't possibly fit even my forearm into a pant leg on any item. Every time I turned a corner I was almost crushing somebody. Excuse the bad focus, I ran through here...

Mens. Size xxs. Puff shorts.

Oh good God. Do these guys get into bed with you with a number two pencil behind their ear and a lexicon of witty retorts. Where the fuck is the SEX in these people ICAN'TTAKEIT. sorry.


Ok here's a good example of the shirt: The arms holes are really really small, almost no shoulder, plenty of space in the abdomen. People have very particular shapes. Designers are addressing them.

There's a whole section of nautical stuff they just came out with. It's not so bad but...

Is everyone going to be the captain this summer? That's all we need is these queens at the helm of anything.

Gay NYC camp #2: The Ogre Folk. 29-146 year olds that eat tons of protien lift weights, don't do a lot of cardio, have painfully bulbous arms and chests and asses and can be seen wearing such awful stuff as Ed Hardy, Abercromnie & Fitch (still), D&G, G-Star and God knows what else glow stick, tribal tattoo armband inspired ugly ass Gay techno anthem crap. But once again, this body type is having it's needs addressed by a new store on 8th Aveneue called Ruffskin. I Jaunted through feeling almost as alien as I did in topman. The items would fit my proportions, but I'm too old to be a stripper. Let me preface my biting humor by saying that this is a small business and a pop up shop, not a larger corporation like Topshop and I don't want to go down as squishing the little guy, but... the little guy is pretty muscly!



The is the mirror item of the xxs stonewash affair. The back was... well small also. At least you could get screwed in them.

Apple ass jeans. Is this what I have to wear if I'm muscular? Do I have to listen to Rauhofer mixes or OOH am I am Moribito fan? What the barf?!

'Versayce'


There are other ways to get around a low rise crotch on a muscle man.


Darted at the waist. Actually I would wear it because I can't wear regular shirts. So there we have it. I'm going to retire to my cave and chew on chicken. Goodnight.

1 comment:

ayem8y said...

The denim bikini with elastic waist is the worst, worst thing that I have ever seen.

I have to go to the eye doctor now.