Monday, February 16, 2009

FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT YOGA IS A FANATICAL WACK BANDWAGON


Something I've noticed from instructors: If you aren't all extended looking like a stretched out pigeon they seem to think you are deformed. I don't want perfect posture I think it looks weird as hell. Also, a goal is to entirely breathe through your nose. I can't do that. My lungs are huge and my nose is... well let's just say it's very very very very small and just for show. When I try to explain this they are horrified because I can never evolve in their system that they just bought right off the bat. Please. Also, they always remind people to be careful and that yoga should not be a painful or strenuous thing. I know they add precautions to all exercises, but this is the only one where they remind you out loud that it's not supposed to be miserable. And about peoples capacities to assume these ancient unproven and unattractive poses: In the short term, a long distance runner probably couldn't be a great weightlifter, A basketball player may not make the best jockey and a weightlifter is probably going to have a difficult time with yoga. I just came to your d*mn foul sweat pit to stretch and get limber - spare me the bad touch of hugging and Svarsrmtrakaashiturdrashambullshytikka or whatever. Why can't we westernize this thing and clear just some of the mystic cobwebs out of this practice? The whole thing is embarrassing, as I think most rose tinted new age western ways of interpreting eastern concepts are. I wanted to make a list of funny plays on the names of the poses, but in looking at them they are totally messed up already!
- Downward-Facing Douche (that is mine)
- Child's Pose : I call it child sex worker pose. If you haven't seen it, your ass is in the air and your head is on the ground. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Any child made to assume that pose... well, wouldn't be a child long, honey!
- Salutation Seal : Appropriate for these flexibility obsessed Nazis. Why is becoming plastic man the goal of armies of people right now? It's just wrong - being outrageously flexible isn't superior to anything, unless you are having a lot of noticeable trouble reaching things from your desk.
- Half Moon : What I get a whole room of in my face each time I go to these torture pits of 'bliss'.
- Cow Face : Don't know what this is but it's probably some Guru humiliation tactic for foot worshippers.
- Noose : Need I say more?
- One-Legged King Pigeon : What is going on here you freaks?!
OK, forget it, I can't even continue making this list.


So, basically, if you keep pursuing this your going to end up like this. It's not cute and certainly not a goal of mine. I'm going to get a very small simple book of Yogic postures that shows which muscles each pose stretches and do some stretches before or after I workout, but let me just lastly say: You yoga people are arrogant snobbish freaks walking around the city with your dime store enlightenment wrapped up in your smelly mat bobbing off your extended backs. Really, they're totally snotty - check them out!

5 comments:

Jimmy said...

you'd never catch me in one of those ludacris positions!

Mitzi said...

Ewewww Reavis is that your boyfriend?

Mitzi said...

"I want to watch while you rim me" he seems to be saying.

faginlove said...

Yoga is not about trying to get into any one pose or another. It is a method of exercise which promotes the circulation of the blood, lymph and sweat. This has detoxifying and immune boosting effects. The twists and turns squeeze the internal parts of the body which promote circulation in these otherwise seldom moved areas. There is no 'correct' yoga pose. As a beginner the benefits you enjoy from a simple forward bend may be much greater than some else putting his legs behind his ears (he's too limber so no effort= no circulation). Breathing through the nose helps concentration. Also helps the oxygen exchange cos of all the blood vessels in the nasal tract (same reason coke is snorted n not swallowed). Don't let the idiots put you off.

Reavis Eitel said...

Thanks for the love Faginlove! xo R